I slept with a 20-year-old not too long ago.

And okay, he might have been 19.  I didn’t catch an I.D.

He was a friend of a friend of a friend who was in New York for the weekend.  We went out with his friends and my friends and their friends.  We had like a drink or 9 and somehow ended up back at my apartment.  Hand to God, it never crossed my mind for one second that we would hook up.  He was absolutely beautiful.  In fact, maybe the most beautiful man I have ever slept with.  But he was 20.  I can’t sexualize a 20-year-old any more than I can sexualize a tree.  Sure, a tree might be beautiful – the most beautiful tree I have ever seen – but it would never occur to me to fuck a tree.

I’m 30.  And my general rule since 25, is to never sleep with anyone under the age of 39.  I mean, don’t waste my time, you know what I’m saying?  If I ever slept with anyone as young as 33, it would promptly be followed by a call to a friend.  “Holy Shit girl, you will not believe what I just did…”

So, I’m sitting in my living room with this gorgeous kid and he says to me “You know,  I’ve always wanted to sleep with an older woman.”  I quickly responded,  “You totally should.  I’ve slept with older women before, it’s great.”  As I buried myself into a pint of Ben and Jerry’s, he glared at me with an unmistakable desperation.

It took me 45 seconds to get it.  “Holy shit.  He’s talking about…me!!”  I am the older woman.  I am the novelty act.  I am the frat house story.  I am the trump card during his next game of “I NEVER.”  My vagina is now old enough to be a tourist attraction!  I could possibly sell T-Shirts.

But more to the point, this kid wants to sleep with me and he wants to sleep with me now.  I protested for around 10 minutes.  And then it occurred to me…why am I being such a bitch?  Who am I to deny this young chap a roll in the hay with an experienced woman?  I could teach him a thing or two.  Would it really kill me to see him with his shirt off?  Would that hurt me in some way?

Finally, after shoving the last spoonful of Chunky Monkey into my face, I said very audibly “Oh fuck it!”

Now, let me say before continuing, that I actually really like this guy.  He’s beautiful and funny and sweet and sexy and I have no doubt that he will one day be an amazing lover.  But for now, I thought I might just give a few quick tips for 20-year-old guys out there who want to fuck “older women.”  These rules do not necessarily apply to other 20-year-old girls you are currently sleeping with.  These sweet girls have more time on their hands.  But, for the rest of us…

DO NOT:

1.  Assume that sexual satisfaction is in any way related to the number of positions you can pull off in a 2-minute period.  In the history of sex, no woman has ever said to any other woman  “He was okay, but he honestly only did me in 3 positions.”   It’s not a gymnastics competition.  No one is filming. (at least not at your level)  I know the thought might cross your mind:  “I should probably get the backside of her knee on the backside of my neck.”  Just let that go.  That is painful for everyone involved.

DO NOT:

2.  Blow.  Anywhere.  Ever.  I don’t give a shit what you read.

DO:

3.  Ask yourself if you ever craved having your face rubbed into cheap carpeting for over a minute.

DO NOT:

4.  Say “I can’t believe this is happening!”  Trust me.  We can’t either.

DO NOT:

5. Mistake laughter for an orgasm.  I get it.  They are sort of similar.  But if you are ever in a situation where you are trying to figure out which is which, you need to stop what you are doing immediately.  Both mean the evening is done.

I wish lots of well to my young friend.  I was once 20 too.  It’s a bitch man.  It gets better.  Trust me, it gets so much better…

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