I got a new vibrator today.  I’m staying at Dallas and Christine’s this weekend in the East Village, so I was really close to Babeland.  I’ve gotten a few vibrators in my time, so I only feel a little awkward at this point.  I wouldn’t even call it awkward as being acutely aware that I’m walking into a sex shop.  I kind of have a thing I do.  I walk in like I’m walking into a Best Buy only mad and in a hurry.  I often put my cell phone to my ear like I’m talking to someone.  What does this say to the vibrator sales staff?  It says:  Oh my god, there’s nothing that can throw this one.

The problem with Babeland and every sex shop I’ve ever been in is the staff.  They play my game only 10 times better.  It’s like they’re showing off.

“So you’re interested in the Aquatic Line Sequined Sprap on?  Fantastic.  You’re gonna have a great time with this when you strap it on over your vagina and put inside your husband’s ass hole.  Which is what you’re gonna do and I’m gonna say that right out loud while making direct eye contact because I have sex too, and will tell you about every experience I’ve had and which product I used and in what room and for how long and with what gender and then I’m gonna rate my orgasms based on lube.”

So, I end my fake phone call and then pick out my vibrator.  I take it up to the counter and the nice butch lesbian with the shaved head and Tweety Bird tattoo rings me up.

BUTCH: “Did you find everything okay?

ME: “Yep.”

BUTCH: “Because if there’s anything else I can help you with…”

ME: “Nope.”

BUTCH: “Our new stock of body chocolate is in.”

ME: “I’m good.”

BUTCH: “Okay.  So I see you got the Pirate series…”

ME: “Yeah.”

BUTCH: “Have you seen the porn this toy was inspired by?”

ME: “No.  Was it good?”

BUTCH: “Only the biggest budget porn ever made.  Special effects and a plot.”

ME: “Why wouldn’t you just use normal chocolate…?”

BUTCH: “Okay, now this red dot shows that the vibrator has been tested, so we know it works.”

ME: “Thanks so much.”

BUTCH: “Did you feel how powerful the vibration was?”

ME:  “Yes.  I did feel how powerful the vibration was.”

BUTCH: “Well, it comes at a price.”

ME: “I know….I wanted to buy the thing with the powerful…I have my wallet right here.”

BUTCH: “The batteries are C batteries.”

ME: “…oh my god.”

BUTCH: “Would you like to buy batteries here?”

ME: “Yes.  Just charge me for the batteries.”

BUTCH: “Okay!  That’s so now of you.  So, your toy is only splash proof you can’t use your toy in the bath.”

ME: “How much?”

BUTCH: “Just in the shower.  It’s splash proof.”

ME: “I’m really not too inventive so I think we’re…”

BUTCH: “Now, your toy is plastic so you can just clean your toy with a mild soap and warm water.”

ME: “Do you have, like, a bet on how many times you can say the word ‘toy’ in day.”

BUTCH: “Just dry your toy with a towel.’

ME: “Is it like a quota situation…?”

BUTCH: “No returns of course.  Not that you’ll need to.  But there is a 30-day warranty so just keep the packaging and the receipt.”

ME: “You want me to keep the packaging on my porno dildo…just…keep it.  Just have it in my apartment…”

BUTCH: “Can I help you out with any lube?”

ME: “Is there a price?  Like, is there an amount of money I can pay you to be able to leave the store?”

She puts my vibrator in a bright, pink bag marked Babeland.

BUTCH: “And I’m also putting in the bag a flier for our seminar this Saturday. ‘See And Touch A Clitoris.'”