Meredith and I were on the phone the other day. Talking about nothing. Not nothing, I was telling her about how I developed a taste for blue cheeses.
And then the conversation rolled around to Santa Claus.
Me: I don’t remember when I stopped believing in Santa Claus.
Meredith: I was 12.
Meredith: Yeah, like 11…no 12. I was 12.
Me: I mean, why?
Meredith: Well, in all honesty, I think the fear kept him alive.
Me: You were scared of…Santa Claus?
Meredith: Not all of the time. Just the months that weren’t December.
Me: Just the months that…sorry, what?
Meredith: Because I thought he would kidnap me and take me to the North Pole.
Me: Why would he do that?
Meredith: Because he was bored.
Me: Well, why wouldn’t he kidnap you in December?
Meredith: Because he was busy……….with the presents.
Me: But why would he kidnap you when he was bored?
Meredith: He would think that I would like it. Like he was doing me a favor.
Me: And…you wouldn’t like it?
Meredith: Christ No!
Me: So what did Santa do to you when you got to the North Pole?
Meredith: Well, looking back now…it would have been pretty fun.
Me: Yeah. Like, unlimited candy canes. And you would get to go out with the elves after work.
Meredith: …I know…I know…
Me: Listen, I’m not trying to talk you into it or anything…
Meredith: No, you’re right. You’re right.
Me: I don’t need to be right. I just need you to understand that an unaccompanied trip to the North Pole, for most adjusted children, would have been considered a treat.
Meredith: I didn’t know about the candy canes.
Me: How could you not know about the candy canes?!? I’m not trying to be a bitch here, I’m really not. But…you’re not an idiot. You’re a smart woman.
Meredith: I DIDN’T THINK ABOUT THE CANDY CANES!
Me: They, like, grow candy canes in an orchard there!!
Meredith: I get that. And I’m sorry if I didn’t want a strange man to come through my chimney and kidnap me and take me to a barren ice cap.
Me: But you’d let him come in and bring you presents in December.
Me: And you don’t think you owed him a little.
Meredith: ….maybe I did.
Me: Yeah. Yeah. Maybe you did.