Meredith and I were on the phone the other day.  Talking about nothing.  Not nothing, I was telling her about how I developed  a taste for blue cheeses.

And then the conversation rolled around to Santa Claus.

Me: I don’t remember when I stopped believing in Santa Claus.

Meredith: I was 12.

Me: 12??

Meredith: Yeah, like 11…no 12.  I was 12.

Me: I mean, why?

Meredith: Well, in all honesty, I think the fear kept him alive.

Me: You were scared of…Santa Claus?

Meredith: Not all of the time.  Just the months that weren’t December.

Me: Just the months that…sorry, what?

Meredith: Because I thought he would kidnap me and take me to the North Pole.

Me: Why would he do that?

Meredith: Because he was bored.

Me: Well, why wouldn’t he kidnap you in December?

Meredith: Because he was busy……….with the presents.

Me: But why would he kidnap you when he was bored?

Meredith: He would think that I would like it.  Like he was doing me a favor.

Me: And…you wouldn’t like it?

Meredith: Christ No!

Me: So what did Santa do to you when you got to the North Pole?

Meredith: Well, looking back now…it would have been pretty fun.

Me: Yeah.  Like, unlimited candy canes.  And you would get to go out with the elves after work.

Meredith: …I know…I know…

Me: Listen, I’m not trying to talk you into it or anything…

Meredith: No, you’re right.  You’re right.

Me: I don’t need to be right.  I just need you to understand that an unaccompanied trip to the North Pole, for most adjusted children, would have been considered a treat.

Meredith: I didn’t know about the candy canes.

Me: How could you not know about the candy canes?!? I’m not trying to be a bitch here, I’m really not.  But…you’re not an idiot.  You’re a smart woman.


Me: They, like, grow candy canes in an orchard there!!

Meredith: I get that.  And I’m sorry if I didn’t want a strange man to come through my chimney and kidnap me and take me to a barren ice cap.

Me: But you’d let him come in and bring you presents in December.

Meredith: …..yes…..

Me: And you don’t think you owed him a little.

Meredith: ….maybe I did.

Me: Yeah.  Yeah.  Maybe you did.