Had a great trip to Texas a week ago. My first pilgrimage to the old homeland without a family death, wedding, or graduation to attend. I rented a sudan and was the master of my own fate. The lover of life I always hoped to be. Two weeks and the open road. Every time I started my car engine, I put myself on screen at Sundance. Here is a girl who is awaiting the journey itself. Here is a girl with wind-blown hair and a meaningful soundtrack. Here’s a girl who smokes in her rental even when she signed a fucking agreement saying that was a very bad thing to do. You don’t mess with people like me, people with a glossy idea of themselves and pre-burned CD’s.
The trip went well. More than well. Lots of renewing energy and over 600 pictures of abandoned buildings. (I don’t know if you know this about me, but I’m arty.) I was born again and bathed under the starlight in a world where less-than-talented mariachi bands don’t insinuate your need to pay them for services rendered on the subway. And people don’t poop in front of you on 14th street. Yay Texas!
However, I have to say…being the bleeding liberal that I am, that the term “Obamacare” came up a bit more than I would have liked. Also, a couple of insinuations that Glenn Beck was the 2nd coming of Christ. I passed just enough anti-abortion billboards to make me want to get knocked up just so I could get an abortion.
(And then the mosque…the fucking mosque. People in Abilene, Tx. telling me what I should feel about a building that was going up in my city. A city they have never been to. A city that they would never go to in the first place because of people like me. And all of the sudden, because some PA at Fox News found a fourth page New York Times article about a fucking cultural center being built 3 FUCKING BLOCKS FROM GROUND ZERO they feel free to question my ideas of patriotism which remain intact: Being that if you want to make architectural changes to the United States Constitution to block cultural and religious freedoms and then you are not allowed to, in the same breath, start bitching to me because your meth-head kids can’t pray in school. Which they can, by the way. And yes, sometimes people poop on 14th street.)
So, this was my state of mind when I met the guy at the bar in Ft. Worth. It was the night before I was to fly back to New York and I was by myself at a restaurant bar for a cocktail. Cliff came over. Cliff was a guy who worked for DirectTV. I knew this because it was stitched on the breast of his short sleeve button down. Cliff evidentally heard the bartender comment on my New York ID.
Cliff – (coming over the barstool next to me) I heard you were from New York.
Me – That’s interesting.
Cliff – What do you do there? And let me just say, you’re as pretty as a picture. I can just tell about people sometimes and I feel like you are a nice person who I can talk to. You just have that kind of face. I know it’s not so normal to just come up to a pretty girl at a bar and start talkin’ to her but I’m a person who believes in honesty. I think honesty is important, call me crazy.
Me – I’m a political analyst for the Obama Administration.
Cliff – Oh. I guess you probably voted for Obamacare then. Which is cool cause I think on both sides of the box.
Me – (hearing the term Obamacare one time too many) Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Definitely. I……fucking…….love…….Obamacare.
Cliff – Well, I hope you all are happy at the state of the economy now.
Me – Oh. Oh! We are very happy.
Cliff – So, you’re a democrat.
Me – Oh, yes.
Cliff – Well, I’m a Rush Baby.
Me – You were born quickly?
Cliff – I was raised by the voice of the Rush.
Me – I was raised by the voice of Muhammad.
Cliff – Are you serious?
Me – Are you serious?
Cliff – All I know is that Jesus was the man this country was founded on.
Me – Oh we know! We know! Believe me.
Cliff – What do you mean?
Me – Listen, I’ve had one too many Vodkas so you have to promise me that this conversation is in the strictest of confidence. Is my bra showing?
Cliff – I can see it. I’m a middle of the road guy. You can trust me.
Me – Have you heard of “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell”?
Cliff – Yeah?
Me – Well, you know we’re trying to repeal that right?
Cliff – Yeah, well it don’t make too much sense to me, seems like a fair deal for all.
Me – Well, it goes deeper than that. See, we are going to start going for the kids. Actually, (I look at my watch) it’s going on right now.
Cliff – What?
Me – Well, God I’ve had too much to drink, and you seem so cute with your chubby go-tee, but we are inserting gay sex-ed into the middle schools.
Cliff – No shit? And this go-tee was a recent choice so it’s good to hear positive feedback.
Me – I’m totally serious. It’s one of those parts of Obamacare that they didn’t tell you about. Got buried in between the “no pre-existing conditions” for infants clause.
Cliff – What is it?
Me – Well, you know we are just trying to save it – the gay sex. We’re as pro-gay as we are pro-abortion and that’s the truth. The ultimate goal is that everyone is gay, and those that are not gay and have straight sex, they’ll have abortions. What we’ll do is this: When we pull the 10-year-olds aside to talk about unrequested erections, we’ll also show them diagrams to show how to have sex with another guy. And then, of course, lead them to believe it’s just as pleasurable as having sex with a girl. Which of course it isn’t, it’s actually insanely painful…but..kids will be kids.
Cliff – You’re fuckin’ with me right?
Me – Oh no. This is the reality of our nation. Well, at least our nation under this current administration.
Cliff – What are they gonna show? You know, what’s gonna be on the presentation?
Me- Nothing too graphic of course. We’re atheists, not pedophiles. And, of course, all of the boys demonstrated will be Arian. We just don’t want anyone putting anything in the wrong hole.
Cliff – (silence)
Me – There are so many wrong ways to do the gay. You have no idea. But you will. Muhammad willing, you will.