Penn State graduated Stock Broker #1 –Jimmy “Dated Lindsay Lohan” Peterson

NYU graduated Stock Broker #2 – Sam “Shotgun” Weinstein


Wall Street.  5:15 p.m.  Floor of the stock market exchange.


Jimmy – “Hey man, you got any money?

Sam – “No man, I don’t got any money.  You got any money?

Jimmy – “Yeah I got some money.”

Sam – “Cool man.  Good for you.  Can I have some?”

Jimmy– “Oh shit yeah!  I’ll give you some money and then we’ll head to Chili’s for a Peach Margarita you cock sucker.”

Sam – “Fuck yeah!  Alright give it to me.”

Jimmy – “Oh man I don’t have it on me.  Here let me take a fuckin’ used condom wrapper and write you an IOU.

Sam – Alright, when you gonna give me the money dude?

Jimmy– Oh dude I know this guy who dated this chick who’s aunt married this Siberian Plumber who has money.

Sam – Wait.  He has cash?  Like actual cash??

Jimmy – Bills dude.

Sam – Bullshit!

Jimmy – Hand to God, he has a wallet and everything.

Sam – How you gonna get that money dude?

Jimmy – Well you just send a letter to his village and then this shepherd boy takes it on a donkey up to his mountain hut.  He’s there.  He never leaves dude.  He watches Letterman all day or something.  And he has no use for money cause he’s in his hut.  He just has to pay for rice and for like…well, the cable bill and shit.  And he just sends it to you.  I saw Lindsay Lohan once.

Sam – Awesome!  This sounds fantastic.  Yeah, give me the condom wrapper.

Jimmy – Wait mother fucker!  What are you going to give me?

Sam – For the used condom wrapper?

Jimmy – Look!  I am willing to write 45 Billion dollars on this condom wrapper if you make me an offer right now!  AAAAnd I will buy you a Peach Margarita.  AAAAnd I’ll throw in some chicken crispers just cause I love your face.

Sam – Holy Shit!  This sounds fantastic.  How can I do this?  Oh!  I have all theses houses.  Well, I know this guy who knows this guy who’s girlfriend owns like half a million houses.  What if I sell you these houses?

Jimmy – Wait dude.  How did you get all these houses?

Sam – Well, my friend’s friend’s girlfriend bought them on behalf of all these totally cool people who showed her every intention of repaying the debt even though she forgot to ask them if they had a job.  And some dead guys who want to eventually become home owners.  So they all owe me so much fuckin’ money ’cause I got in early on this mother fucker by signing a Wheaties box in this chick’s mother’s kitchen.  And even if they don’t pay, I’ll have a piece of the good old fashioned American landscape.  You can’t beat that with a cock-suckin’ stick!

Jimmy – WAIT!  Where are those douche bags who are supposed to regulate all the condom swap?

Sam – Oh don’t worry about them.  We pay them to regulate us.  So we’re as clean as the prostitute I swear I will sleep with later.

Jimmy – Sounds fantastic dude.

Sam – Dude!

Jimmy – Here’s the condom wrapper.

Sam – Wait!  the condom’s still in it!

Jimmy – I haven’t had sex since 1996.

Sam – I had sex with a fax machine once.