I’m turning 28 tomorrow and my biggest worry is porn.  

I go to this one website where I download/steal movies and songs (shhh!).  (“shh”…like who would you tell?  Who are you going to call right now and tell them that I steal shit off the internet…I would like to meet that person).  For some reason, this site seems to be funded by another website featuring chatting opportunities with twenty-something ladies in their underwear.  The ads are everywhere.

The thing is, all of these ladies are 23-26.  And not that I believe that these are real women.  I know, as well as you do, that they are 300 lb. Hungarian men trapped in a phone center in Dubai.  But my point is, that this website probably did market research.  They hired a couple of interns who went to all the bars and porn shops and Long John Silvers and asked all of the men there: What age group would you prefer to have intercourse/phone intercourse with?  

And evidently, nobody said 28.  I have hit and passed my “desirable” phase.  I have moved on to “strangers are not going to want to fuck you over the phone” phase.  And I’m dealing with that.  I’m dealing with it.  

Tomorrow is my actual birthday.  And I have decided what to do.  I’m going to walk into Long John Silvers.  I will stand in line to order and when the counterperson asks me what crab entree I would like to try this evening, I will say nothing but hold my head high and begin to disrobe.  After getting down to my underwear, I will hoist myself up onto the tarter sauce/ketchup counter (silently referencing Sally Field in Norma Ray).  I will stand on the counter and, with as much pride as I can muster, shout  “Please!  pleeeeeeease!…….come on!  Look at this!!!   Oh my freaking god please!!!”