Meredith is on match.com. For those of you who don’t know, which is none of you, match.com is an internet dating service that guarantees to find you the love of your life for the low, low price of $147. It’s easy. You come up with a clever handle, write a profile, and are off and running. You frantically scan the romance section of cyberspace for the one person who fits you perfectly. You are Augustus Glup and have entered the chocolate factory. You are Dorthy at the gates of the Emerald City. You are drunk off seven Bud Lights and using your computer as an emotional turnacate. Who is out there and what are they thinking right now? What are they like?
JOE from Long Island City is very laid back but can also be serious at times. TIM from Flatbush is looking for someone to have an adventure with. KAMIR from the Upper East Side has travelled extensively in Europe and is now ready to see what this city has to offer.
Let me go ahead and say here, that every single man on match.com is laid back but serious,looking for an adventure, and has travelled extensively through Europe. Also, every single man drinks only socially (maybe one or two), works out at least three times a week, knows how to laugh at himself, and would honestly be into just going for a walk.
There is a section of each profile dedicated to “What You’re Looking For.” Most guys are looking for a girl who isn’t afraid of a good time. (Well…there are a lot of us out there, you have to weed.) They are looking for someone who is athletic and someone who would never spend an evening drinking 7 Bud Lights in front of a computer. And, without fail, they are NOT looking for drama.
JOE – “No drama queens please.”
TIM – “Please don’t be dramatic.”
KAMIR – “Can we leave the drama out please?”
This part really annoyed me. Are all New York women infected with the dreaded plague of drama? Is it a transmittable disease? No one ever says “No Herpes” or “No Toe Fungus.” But fucking drama. Stay away.
I was upset with this, until I was home one afternoon and was watching an MTV show called “True Life.” It is a make-shift, hour-long, documentary-type program where they follow young people with True Life problems. This series must be pretty old. It started out with “I have OCD”, “I’m an Alcoholic”, “I’m a Black, Deaf, Pregnant Teen.” Now it’s down to “I’m a Staten Island Girl” and “I’m Having a Summer Romance.” It was “I’m Having a Summer Romance” I caught that afternoon.
In this show, Jodie (19) was having a summer camp romance with Kevin (16). Let me say, never is it mentioned that this relationship is completely illegal. Anyway, after two weeks of bliss, Kevin and Jodie hit a rough patch. Jodie was feeling neglected and Kevin wasn’t mature enough to understand the companionship a woman needs. Kevin just wanted to play ping-pong, go for canoe rides, and hold hands in the car. Jodie needed attention, but also needed to be left alone. And you could tell when she wanted to be left alone, because she would scream that she wanted to be left alone and storm off yelling to everyone that her boyfriend was an ass hole.
Jodie was not a nice person. She was indeed…dramatic. Very dramatic. She would start crying over her boyfriend not sharing his coke. She even screamed out “You have no respect for my mother!” when he started chatting with a female friend.
“Ohh!” I said to myself. THAT’S what that is. Well, good for the wary men of match.com for wanting to avoid the Jodies of the world. But, Meredith is not dramatic. She is not 18. She is not a Jodie. She cries sometimes and panics a little bit when I try to cook with her pots. But she’s never said anything about me not respecting her mother.
So, here is my question. In the world of internet dating, are we as women able to stomach the pretentious, 20-something, world travelers who can’t handle their drink and have gym memberships? And if we are, will these men be able to stomach our need for emotional attention and couples counseling?
It has finally happened with romance. The internet has just sped things up. With one glance at a match.com profile, we are reminded of all the reasons we hate the opposite sex.